"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

Float On.

Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on.

I'm sorry.

Sorry that no matter what I do, it only gets half done.

Sorry that I'll never measure up.

Sorry I'll never be the best.

Sorry that I'll only ever get there half way.

Sorry that I'm so sick of trying, that I don't anymore.

Sorry that others thoroughly dislike me.

Sorry that I'm overusing this word.

Sorry that it's just a word.

But most importantly, I'm sorry that I'll just never be good enough.

I'm so sick of trying to please people.

No matter what I do, someone always gets hurt or someone ends up angry at me.

I'm tired of people using me and as soon as they get what they want, they forget about me when they're done. 

I thought opening up to new opportunities and meeting new people (although I'll probably never meet them in person, ever...) might make me happier, but that didn't even last for very long.

/Sigh. 

I just want to run far, far away and live forever alone in a pool of isolation.

You think there's something.

You think you feel it.

They tell you maybe.

You know its never gonna happen.

Someone tells you that you can do so much better.

So, you try to forget.

But it's just so hard to.

There are things you wish for before big moments. I wish my friends were here. I wish my parents were different. I wish there was someone who got what was happening, and could just look at me and tell me we weren't crazy, that we weren't being stupid. Someone to say "I'm proud of you, and I got your back... no matter what." 

I'm so used to being by myself all the time.

But I've never felt so alone in my life.

I don't think anyone can actually understand how hard it is to pretend that you don't care that people don't even give two shits about you; that you're easily forgotten about. Its so hard to pretend to act content even though people treat you like a ghost, or as a pathetic last resort. 


Even if I disappeared right now, I don't think that anybody would realise that I'm gone. 
Even if they did, they wouldn't bother to look for me.