"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

Float On.

Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on.

I'm sorry.

Sorry that no matter what I do, it only gets half done.

Sorry that I'll never measure up.

Sorry I'll never be the best.

Sorry that I'll only ever get there half way.

Sorry that I'm so sick of trying, that I don't anymore.

Sorry that others thoroughly dislike me.

Sorry that I'm overusing this word.

Sorry that it's just a word.

But most importantly, I'm sorry that I'll just never be good enough.

I'm so sick of trying to please people.

No matter what I do, someone always gets hurt or someone ends up angry at me.

I'm tired of people using me and as soon as they get what they want, they forget about me when they're done. 

I thought opening up to new opportunities and meeting new people (although I'll probably never meet them in person, ever...) might make me happier, but that didn't even last for very long.

/Sigh. 

I just want to run far, far away and live forever alone in a pool of isolation.

You think there's something.

You think you feel it.

They tell you maybe.

You know its never gonna happen.

Someone tells you that you can do so much better.

So, you try to forget.

But it's just so hard to.

There are things you wish for before big moments. I wish my friends were here. I wish my parents were different. I wish there was someone who got what was happening, and could just look at me and tell me we weren't crazy, that we weren't being stupid. Someone to say "I'm proud of you, and I got your back... no matter what." 

I'm so used to being by myself all the time.

But I've never felt so alone in my life.

I don't think anyone can actually understand how hard it is to pretend that you don't care that people don't even give two shits about you; that you're easily forgotten about. Its so hard to pretend to act content even though people treat you like a ghost, or as a pathetic last resort. 


Even if I disappeared right now, I don't think that anybody would realise that I'm gone. 
Even if they did, they wouldn't bother to look for me.

Philosophise that.

If there's anything that I've actually learned from philosophy throughout the entire year; its that its not a bludge subject. I actually learnt one really valuable lesson about life, and although it might be generic, its something that I can take into account for now and the future.


Happiness, is something that you create yourself. Its not up to others to create it for you (although they may influence the situation), but you are the one who will realise when you well and truly, really experience happiness.  Many mistake happiness for success, and the feeling that one receives when they excel in something or receive something. Although natural desires such as money, food, sex, status and power may lead you to feeling like you're happy, these are all still influences which lead to your happiness, not necessary your true happiness in itself. 


This leads me to realise that even though everyone in my life so far has let me down in one way in another, its only made me stronger. There's only so much that you can complain about how much you've been hurt. There's nothing I can do about the past, but bury it. For those who treat me like shit, I wish you a happy and fulfilling life if making others miserable satisfies you. Only I can truly make myself happy, and even that may be in the next week, the next year, decade or century, at least I will be able to appreciate it when I well and truly experience it for myself.

My throat aches in its place.

My heart sinks to my stomach.

My eyes are sick of seeing, my ears sick of hearing.

I just want to be free.

Rumour Mill

There you go again believing, that the truth is what you're reading;
Talk some shit I haven't heard before.
If you've got something to say, don't wanna talk about it.
If you need someone to blame, don't wanna cry about it.
I measure life in minutes, but these critics think they've got me figured out.

The heavy pounding and the vigorous knocking at the back of your skull. The throbbing of the blood pumping life through your veins. The hot flushes that pulsate through your body.  They all allow you to escape the troubles for a while. The sweet, smooth taste that rolls past the back of your tongue puts your mind at ease, lets you see past all the bullshit and allows your mind, body and soul to escape to another place. I've always wondered what pleasure others found in it, and now I know. Taking away the  mental pain in exchange for physical pain. But even then, I don't feel satisfied. So tell me, what's the point? 

Friendships & Frienshits, Relationships & Relationshits

"As the end of another holiday draws near, I'd like to take a moment to list all the things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that no matter how dark things might get, old friendships can still be rekindled. I'm thankful for new relationships that help us realize how far we've come from who we are. And how close we get when we can really be ourselves. I'm thankful that no matter what they say, you can go home again. Whether it's your home or not. But the thing I'm most thankful for? How even on the most giving of days, people can still do something unforgivable." 

Dreams

"Dreams. Everybody has them. Some good. Some bad. Some you wish you could forget. Sometimes you realize you've outgrown them. Sometimes you feel like they're finally coming true. And some of us just have nightmares. But no matter what you the dream, when morning comes, reality intrudes and the dream begins to slip away."

"If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there would be no gossip without secrets. You might be brave enough to reveal your secret only to have it used against you. Or someone else's secret might effect you in unexpected ways. There are some secrets you're only too happy to keep. Others surface only to be buried away deeper than they were before. But the most powerful secrets are the truths you thought you could never reveal. That once spoken change everything."

The Truth

"It's often said that, no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people. The ones that run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves."

Needless To Say

Why is it that when I feel that my life is going great, 

& everything is flowing smoothly...

Everything always shits on me at once.

Everyone seems to abandon me.

I just feel so miserable and alone. 

I get it at school, at training, at home.

I most certainly don't need it from you.

FUCK OFF.

Razors pain you; 

Rivers are damp; 

Acids stain you; 

And drugs cause cramps.

 Guns aren't lawful.

 Nooses give; 

Gas smells awful; 

You might as well live.

I know what it's like to want to die. 

How it hurts to smile. 

How you try to fit in but you can't. 

How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. 

"Fashion, to me is something... The normal individual can buy. If you're rich and you're born into money, or if you have a great paying job, or you happen to work in the fashion industry, you can buy fashion. Style is something you're born with. You can't buy style; You either have it or you don't. To me, real style isn't about labels or money. You can just like... Go to a Goodwill, or a thrift store or anywhere, and you can create the most amazing outfit out of nothing. To me, that's what style is."

- Audrey Kitching