I don't know why I did it.

Its a long time since I have, but it felt good.

It was satisfying to feel pain on the outside for a change. 

It felt good to feel something.

Because I'm sick of this pain stuck on the inside of me.

Its dragging me down, its wearing me out.

I don't know how to escape it.

Crocodile Tears

I look out for others and end up getting accused of being a petty bitch.

I open up to people after they complain that I always push people away, and all they have to say is, “I have nothing to say”.

I’m not trying sound self-entered, but people really don’t understand when I say I’ve been hurt more than you'll ever be. 

I shouldn’t have to explain my whole life story just to gain your understanding, let alone friendship.

Fuck that, I shouldn't have to explain myself for anyone. 

If you like me as a person, a friend... Then you'll like me for who I am, accept the person that I am because of what's happened and help me to be a better person, not fucking remind me of what a bad person I am. 

To some people, all I am is a pity-less selfish bitch wallowing away in my own self-pity. 

Others don’t even realise my existence, but I’d prefer it that way than to continually be treated like trash.

Because everything I do is wrong in everyone’s eyes; When I tell people things, I do it for a reason. Not because just so you’ll think of me as insignificant or because its bitchy. Its because I know.

But hey, Apparently I’m just too fucking inadequate for everyone; I’m never gonna have anyone else by my side because, I’m too fucked up, too negative and always have problems with people. Because that's okay, everyone else is perfect, and they only try to be good... Everyone else is always right, I'm just an idiot who's always gonna be wrong. So I guess that means that everyone is always going to hate me. I guess  that also means that nobody else but me will ever be in the wrong. 

Well its always about me, never you, not anyone else. Maybe I've just been through so many people to see their true colours, but I give people too many chances and end up getting hurt. Although I've been hurt too many times to be hurt, it still hurts. I just don't show it. But no, you haven't been through all the lies, deceit, using, backstabbing, laughing behind your back, bitching and abuse. You haven't been fucked over by everyone in your entire life enough to understand why I have no more tears to shed; Not for myself or anyone. If you've put your trust in everyone and let down by everyone, everytime, and you think that's still not an excuse to not open up to people, then I guess you're the petty, pathetic, self-centered, ice-cold bitch.

If you only ever come on here to read my thoughts, than I'm sorry. Obviously you clearly don't comprehend your actions as often as you should. You can't just tell me to forget about what people have done, and expect my life to suddenly become rainbows all the way. What do you think I've been doing all my life? Forgiving and forgetting. But people just think its fun to do it again, again and again. It doesn't help the fact if they're constantly in your face everyday, does it?

Think about it, before you go off accusing me, telling me how bad I am, ignoring me, or even better blaming it all on me.

Soliloquy

Its a perfect excuse for everyone that nobody is perfect, and I accept that.

But it does not give people a right to use that excuse in order to treat others badly and make them feel like shit.

Embrace your body... everyone is made equal and you're all beautiful in your own way.

Its all bullshit. 

If you're unfortunate looking, people will hate on you, you'll never have any so called "true" friends and when it comes to people who will back you up; Everyone's already running to the other side before you have a chance to look behind you.

If you're rich, powerful and beautiful, you have the world at the tips of your fingers, and the people are your puppets.

They'll agree to anything you say, do anything you want, and back you up when shit goes down.

Beauty has its own magic in itself (sex appeal).

The truth is, you are your own friend.

You're always gonna be one against the odds, and when you're right, people will tell you that you're wrong.

When you dream big, people will be there all along the way to crush them and suppress you.

Everyone's there to knock you down... But like they say; get back up and keep going.

Because in the end, you learn more from not having anybody there to help you along the way.

    "If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
    It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
    As howling after music."

17

The one of few days where I'm meant to feel special and happy;

Just feels like any ordinary day where I want to cry.

I hate being the centre of the attention where everyone just stares at you and sings at you.

I'm happy being invisible and alone, where nobody pays any attention and nobody bothers.

I don't want anything else but the ground to swallow me up so I can disappear.

Because if there's anything that I cannot stand, its people forcing themselves to sing for you.
Not to mention all the insincere wishes, smiles and meaningless conversation.

I. Don't. Want. Any. Of. It.

Alice Practice

You're not even the slightest bit sorry.

You're meant to care and I don't even know if you do.

I trusted in you, but now I just feel like part of your stupid joke.

People just keep sucking me in, and I keep falling into their traps and lies.

Because no matter where I go, or what I do; 

I always end up in the same place, with the same feeling.

Gutless, stupid, broken-hearted and worthless.