You think there's something.

You think you feel it.

They tell you maybe.

You know its never gonna happen.

Someone tells you that you can do so much better.

So, you try to forget.

But it's just so hard to.

There are things you wish for before big moments. I wish my friends were here. I wish my parents were different. I wish there was someone who got what was happening, and could just look at me and tell me we weren't crazy, that we weren't being stupid. Someone to say "I'm proud of you, and I got your back... no matter what." 

I'm so used to being by myself all the time.

But I've never felt so alone in my life.

I don't think anyone can actually understand how hard it is to pretend that you don't care that people don't even give two shits about you; that you're easily forgotten about. Its so hard to pretend to act content even though people treat you like a ghost, or as a pathetic last resort. 


Even if I disappeared right now, I don't think that anybody would realise that I'm gone. 
Even if they did, they wouldn't bother to look for me.

Philosophise that.

If there's anything that I've actually learned from philosophy throughout the entire year; its that its not a bludge subject. I actually learnt one really valuable lesson about life, and although it might be generic, its something that I can take into account for now and the future.


Happiness, is something that you create yourself. Its not up to others to create it for you (although they may influence the situation), but you are the one who will realise when you well and truly, really experience happiness.  Many mistake happiness for success, and the feeling that one receives when they excel in something or receive something. Although natural desires such as money, food, sex, status and power may lead you to feeling like you're happy, these are all still influences which lead to your happiness, not necessary your true happiness in itself. 


This leads me to realise that even though everyone in my life so far has let me down in one way in another, its only made me stronger. There's only so much that you can complain about how much you've been hurt. There's nothing I can do about the past, but bury it. For those who treat me like shit, I wish you a happy and fulfilling life if making others miserable satisfies you. Only I can truly make myself happy, and even that may be in the next week, the next year, decade or century, at least I will be able to appreciate it when I well and truly experience it for myself.

My throat aches in its place.

My heart sinks to my stomach.

My eyes are sick of seeing, my ears sick of hearing.

I just want to be free.

Rumour Mill

There you go again believing, that the truth is what you're reading;
Talk some shit I haven't heard before.
If you've got something to say, don't wanna talk about it.
If you need someone to blame, don't wanna cry about it.
I measure life in minutes, but these critics think they've got me figured out.

The heavy pounding and the vigorous knocking at the back of your skull. The throbbing of the blood pumping life through your veins. The hot flushes that pulsate through your body.  They all allow you to escape the troubles for a while. The sweet, smooth taste that rolls past the back of your tongue puts your mind at ease, lets you see past all the bullshit and allows your mind, body and soul to escape to another place. I've always wondered what pleasure others found in it, and now I know. Taking away the  mental pain in exchange for physical pain. But even then, I don't feel satisfied. So tell me, what's the point?