I'm so sick of trying to please people.

No matter what I do, someone always gets hurt or someone ends up angry at me.

I'm tired of people using me and as soon as they get what they want, they forget about me when they're done. 

I thought opening up to new opportunities and meeting new people (although I'll probably never meet them in person, ever...) might make me happier, but that didn't even last for very long.

/Sigh. 

I just want to run far, far away and live forever alone in a pool of isolation.

You think there's something.

You think you feel it.

They tell you maybe.

You know its never gonna happen.

Someone tells you that you can do so much better.

So, you try to forget.

But it's just so hard to.

There are things you wish for before big moments. I wish my friends were here. I wish my parents were different. I wish there was someone who got what was happening, and could just look at me and tell me we weren't crazy, that we weren't being stupid. Someone to say "I'm proud of you, and I got your back... no matter what." 

I'm so used to being by myself all the time.

But I've never felt so alone in my life.

I don't think anyone can actually understand how hard it is to pretend that you don't care that people don't even give two shits about you; that you're easily forgotten about. Its so hard to pretend to act content even though people treat you like a ghost, or as a pathetic last resort. 


Even if I disappeared right now, I don't think that anybody would realise that I'm gone. 
Even if they did, they wouldn't bother to look for me.

Philosophise that.

If there's anything that I've actually learned from philosophy throughout the entire year; its that its not a bludge subject. I actually learnt one really valuable lesson about life, and although it might be generic, its something that I can take into account for now and the future.


Happiness, is something that you create yourself. Its not up to others to create it for you (although they may influence the situation), but you are the one who will realise when you well and truly, really experience happiness.  Many mistake happiness for success, and the feeling that one receives when they excel in something or receive something. Although natural desires such as money, food, sex, status and power may lead you to feeling like you're happy, these are all still influences which lead to your happiness, not necessary your true happiness in itself. 


This leads me to realise that even though everyone in my life so far has let me down in one way in another, its only made me stronger. There's only so much that you can complain about how much you've been hurt. There's nothing I can do about the past, but bury it. For those who treat me like shit, I wish you a happy and fulfilling life if making others miserable satisfies you. Only I can truly make myself happy, and even that may be in the next week, the next year, decade or century, at least I will be able to appreciate it when I well and truly experience it for myself.

My throat aches in its place.

My heart sinks to my stomach.

My eyes are sick of seeing, my ears sick of hearing.

I just want to be free.

Rumour Mill

There you go again believing, that the truth is what you're reading;
Talk some shit I haven't heard before.
If you've got something to say, don't wanna talk about it.
If you need someone to blame, don't wanna cry about it.
I measure life in minutes, but these critics think they've got me figured out.

The heavy pounding and the vigorous knocking at the back of your skull. The throbbing of the blood pumping life through your veins. The hot flushes that pulsate through your body.  They all allow you to escape the troubles for a while. The sweet, smooth taste that rolls past the back of your tongue puts your mind at ease, lets you see past all the bullshit and allows your mind, body and soul to escape to another place. I've always wondered what pleasure others found in it, and now I know. Taking away the  mental pain in exchange for physical pain. But even then, I don't feel satisfied. So tell me, what's the point? 

Friendships & Frienshits, Relationships & Relationshits

"As the end of another holiday draws near, I'd like to take a moment to list all the things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that no matter how dark things might get, old friendships can still be rekindled. I'm thankful for new relationships that help us realize how far we've come from who we are. And how close we get when we can really be ourselves. I'm thankful that no matter what they say, you can go home again. Whether it's your home or not. But the thing I'm most thankful for? How even on the most giving of days, people can still do something unforgivable." 

Dreams

"Dreams. Everybody has them. Some good. Some bad. Some you wish you could forget. Sometimes you realize you've outgrown them. Sometimes you feel like they're finally coming true. And some of us just have nightmares. But no matter what you the dream, when morning comes, reality intrudes and the dream begins to slip away."

"If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there would be no gossip without secrets. You might be brave enough to reveal your secret only to have it used against you. Or someone else's secret might effect you in unexpected ways. There are some secrets you're only too happy to keep. Others surface only to be buried away deeper than they were before. But the most powerful secrets are the truths you thought you could never reveal. That once spoken change everything."

The Truth

"It's often said that, no matter the truth, people see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people. The ones that run as far as they can so they don't have to look at themselves."

Needless To Say

Why is it that when I feel that my life is going great, 

& everything is flowing smoothly...

Everything always shits on me at once.

Everyone seems to abandon me.

I just feel so miserable and alone. 

I get it at school, at training, at home.

I most certainly don't need it from you.

FUCK OFF.

Razors pain you; 

Rivers are damp; 

Acids stain you; 

And drugs cause cramps.

 Guns aren't lawful.

 Nooses give; 

Gas smells awful; 

You might as well live.

I know what it's like to want to die. 

How it hurts to smile. 

How you try to fit in but you can't. 

How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. 

"Fashion, to me is something... The normal individual can buy. If you're rich and you're born into money, or if you have a great paying job, or you happen to work in the fashion industry, you can buy fashion. Style is something you're born with. You can't buy style; You either have it or you don't. To me, real style isn't about labels or money. You can just like... Go to a Goodwill, or a thrift store or anywhere, and you can create the most amazing outfit out of nothing. To me, that's what style is."

- Audrey Kitching

Everyone tells me that I deserve better, 

But no one will give it to me.

I don't know why I did it.

Its a long time since I have, but it felt good.

It was satisfying to feel pain on the outside for a change. 

It felt good to feel something.

Because I'm sick of this pain stuck on the inside of me.

Its dragging me down, its wearing me out.

I don't know how to escape it.

Crocodile Tears

I look out for others and end up getting accused of being a petty bitch.

I open up to people after they complain that I always push people away, and all they have to say is, “I have nothing to say”.

I’m not trying sound self-entered, but people really don’t understand when I say I’ve been hurt more than you'll ever be. 

I shouldn’t have to explain my whole life story just to gain your understanding, let alone friendship.

Fuck that, I shouldn't have to explain myself for anyone. 

If you like me as a person, a friend... Then you'll like me for who I am, accept the person that I am because of what's happened and help me to be a better person, not fucking remind me of what a bad person I am. 

To some people, all I am is a pity-less selfish bitch wallowing away in my own self-pity. 

Others don’t even realise my existence, but I’d prefer it that way than to continually be treated like trash.

Because everything I do is wrong in everyone’s eyes; When I tell people things, I do it for a reason. Not because just so you’ll think of me as insignificant or because its bitchy. Its because I know.

But hey, Apparently I’m just too fucking inadequate for everyone; I’m never gonna have anyone else by my side because, I’m too fucked up, too negative and always have problems with people. Because that's okay, everyone else is perfect, and they only try to be good... Everyone else is always right, I'm just an idiot who's always gonna be wrong. So I guess that means that everyone is always going to hate me. I guess  that also means that nobody else but me will ever be in the wrong. 

Well its always about me, never you, not anyone else. Maybe I've just been through so many people to see their true colours, but I give people too many chances and end up getting hurt. Although I've been hurt too many times to be hurt, it still hurts. I just don't show it. But no, you haven't been through all the lies, deceit, using, backstabbing, laughing behind your back, bitching and abuse. You haven't been fucked over by everyone in your entire life enough to understand why I have no more tears to shed; Not for myself or anyone. If you've put your trust in everyone and let down by everyone, everytime, and you think that's still not an excuse to not open up to people, then I guess you're the petty, pathetic, self-centered, ice-cold bitch.

If you only ever come on here to read my thoughts, than I'm sorry. Obviously you clearly don't comprehend your actions as often as you should. You can't just tell me to forget about what people have done, and expect my life to suddenly become rainbows all the way. What do you think I've been doing all my life? Forgiving and forgetting. But people just think its fun to do it again, again and again. It doesn't help the fact if they're constantly in your face everyday, does it?

Think about it, before you go off accusing me, telling me how bad I am, ignoring me, or even better blaming it all on me.

Soliloquy

Its a perfect excuse for everyone that nobody is perfect, and I accept that.

But it does not give people a right to use that excuse in order to treat others badly and make them feel like shit.

Embrace your body... everyone is made equal and you're all beautiful in your own way.

Its all bullshit. 

If you're unfortunate looking, people will hate on you, you'll never have any so called "true" friends and when it comes to people who will back you up; Everyone's already running to the other side before you have a chance to look behind you.

If you're rich, powerful and beautiful, you have the world at the tips of your fingers, and the people are your puppets.

They'll agree to anything you say, do anything you want, and back you up when shit goes down.

Beauty has its own magic in itself (sex appeal).

The truth is, you are your own friend.

You're always gonna be one against the odds, and when you're right, people will tell you that you're wrong.

When you dream big, people will be there all along the way to crush them and suppress you.

Everyone's there to knock you down... But like they say; get back up and keep going.

Because in the end, you learn more from not having anybody there to help you along the way.

    "If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
    It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
    As howling after music."

17

The one of few days where I'm meant to feel special and happy;

Just feels like any ordinary day where I want to cry.

I hate being the centre of the attention where everyone just stares at you and sings at you.

I'm happy being invisible and alone, where nobody pays any attention and nobody bothers.

I don't want anything else but the ground to swallow me up so I can disappear.

Because if there's anything that I cannot stand, its people forcing themselves to sing for you.
Not to mention all the insincere wishes, smiles and meaningless conversation.

I. Don't. Want. Any. Of. It.

Alice Practice

You're not even the slightest bit sorry.

You're meant to care and I don't even know if you do.

I trusted in you, but now I just feel like part of your stupid joke.

People just keep sucking me in, and I keep falling into their traps and lies.

Because no matter where I go, or what I do; 

I always end up in the same place, with the same feeling.

Gutless, stupid, broken-hearted and worthless.

Breakfast At Tiffany's

Holly Golightly.

~

I wish I was her.

She's eighteen, flighty, and so goddamn attractive.

She doesn't have any responsibilities, no commitments, not care in the world.

She may be lonely, but being alone doesn't bother me.

Because sometimes, having nothing makes you realise you have more than you could ever hope for.

But maybe that's just what I want.

Nothing.

You suck.

At everything you do.

You try, and try, and try.

You think you know everything; that you have control of everything...

But then in a moment you realise that everything is much harder than you expected.

and you just fail.

You think you have no more tears to shed;

That you really don't give a shit anymore, but deep down, you really do.

Weeeeeeeee!

I'm sick.

Sick of ALWAYS being the one who makes an effort in every friendship.

Sick of being everybody's doormat.

Sick of seeing beautiful people and hating myself.

Sick of trying and failing miserably.

Sick and tired of always being the last one.

But worst of all, 

I'm sick of being hated by everyone; even if I haven't done anything to hurt them.

/le sigh

But I am le tired...

FIRE ZE MISSLES!

lololololpewpewpewahjksdljf;lakhgfhy 

I've been asked to blog again by several people, but I haven't found it in me to do so...

I do notice your tags and comments, I am not ignoring you!

But I am too asdfghjkl; to do anything these days!

So this post is a massive 

JE SUIS DÉSOLÉE

to everyone.

:(

Yes, I am trying to catch up on everyone's blogsahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh